How To Support Yourself During The Holidays

By Ally Wise

Shared With Permission

For a few years now, I've been engaging every day as if it is a holiday or my birthday. My intention is to be equally engaged, grateful and present in my body with more of "me"- the disconnect, wisdom, hurt, patience, anger, compassion, fear, celebration and understanding. This helps me diffuse the stress and triggers associated with holidays. When there's more space for me (trauma and all) throughout the year, there's more space during the holidays, which tend to conjure up mixed feelings – joy and stress, love and loneliness.

Below you'll find some guidance to support yourself during this time. 

1 Put yourself in the observer role. I haven't learned more about my survival patterns, trauma and wounding than from observing myself when I'm around my mother or family but also from observing family interactions and dynamics. If you could bring yourself into an observing mode with a sense of curiosity, you can receive powerful insights like 

"Oh, now I understand why my system protected me this way."

"Wow, to have my truth dismissed must have been soo hard for me as a child; no wonder I'm so disconnected from myself."

"My body has a pattern of shrinking and collapsing in the presence of my parents. I can see this so clearly now". 

By observing various dynamics within yourself in the family context, you can be present with those dynamics and energies rather than being taken over, completely overpowered or overwhelmed by them. 

This is not easy. It took me a couple of years to build the space for this. At first, I would continue to avoid and invent excuses not to visit or speak on the phone. When I was in my mother's presence, I would lose myself completely or lose any ability to stay connected to myself. My body would contract and freeze and the trauma vortex would take over. Flushes of anger, despair, helplessness and shame flooded my system. And then guilt because the "good girl" and the pleaser came alive. 

Family interactions have the potential to stir an inner tsunami of emotional triggers. Contradictory forces within us make us feel exhausted and exhaustion leads to overwhelm and waves of anger and rage. Without enough space and the capacity to observe, the triggers can easily dysregulate the nervous system and put us on a spiral of survival. 

Observe, observe, observe. 

2. What matters to you and your body? Observing alone doesn't have the strength to go deep into the body. However, observing, along with self-attunement and embodiment, create a new vortex or momentum that can hold, regulate and heal. 

These times can create a certain pressure on our nervous system. Pause often and use your best tools to support, remember and come back to yourself. Take one step at a time, one family member at a time, one meal at a time, one message at a time… and so on … Just really caring for your nervous system…0.1%. 

It helps to work with your system rather than against it, which means less shame and judgment when it disconnects, reacts, or feels overwhelmed. More flexibility. Allow yourself to be human!

3. Drop the expectations around your family members to validate you, see you, not "trigger" you, understand you or see things the way you do. They will not. Or they may. Either way, your journey is your journey. Being in the same environment where your traumatized parts get activated the most is a good source of information but not necessarily a source of healing. 

Give your family members permission to be where they are, as you give yourself permission to be where you are. Awakened or unawakened, we're all human beings. Give energy to the things you can control rather than projecting onto others. Your boundaries, your understanding, your tools, your body…is what you can influence. You can't change the perception of your parents and you need not waste energy in trying to do so. 

Your healing journey is your healing journey. OWN IT, NURTURE IT. You don't need your parents', siblings' or friends' approval. If it matters to you, if it calls you, then you have green light. 

Ally Wise is a life transformation mentor with a focus on self-reconnection, trauma resolution and nervous system empowerment. You can find her content and the resources she offers on her instagram account.

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