Not All Relationships Can Be Repaired

By Yolanda Renteria

Shared With Permission

I wish relationships were simple. 

Not easy, simple. 

I wish we had a basic book of rules of when to walk away from relationships and when to keep trying.

And I don't mean only romantic relationships. I mean relationships with parents, friends, employers, etc. 

Where is the line? When do we know when to continue trying, to understand the other person and when do we know it's best to simply walk away? When do we understand that everyone makes mistakes because they are human, and when should we maybe pay more attention to our pain instead? I wish I could give you an answer, but I don't have one for you.

What I can tell you is that not all relationships are meant to be saved and the best way we can start to discover when to keep trying and when to walk away is by assessing the impact to our bodies and the impact to the relationship. Sometimes we don't have to do anything with this information other than see it through those two lenses.

Sometimes just knowing that not all relationships are meant to be repaired can be the first step in healing.

Sometimes we hold onto hope that things will be different, that people will change, and don’t realize the impact that has on their body and the relationship itself.

Impact on the body:

• The body carries constant hope and disappointment

• Feeling on edge and tense around the person

• The fear of saying or doing the wrong thing

• The longing for a need to be met that has gone unmet

• The “pull closer/push away” dynamic the body experiences

• The desire to have your pain validated

• All the physical effort (words, texts, letters) trying to make the person understand your point of view

• All of the confusions from trying to convince yourself that you are indeed asking for too much

Impact on the relationship:

• Your source of love is associated with a lot of pain

• You no longer know what you deserve in a relationship

• Physical closeness feels overwhelming

• The desire to be closer to the person and the desire to pull away from the person

• There is constant fear that things will take a turn even when they are going well

• Difficulty trusting that things can get better

• Difficulty believing that the person indeed cares for you

• Difficulty trusting the person again

Can relationships get better after going through so much? Absolutely.

Is it worth it to spend years trying to repair a relationship that has gone through so much? Maybe. 

Is it worth it to spend a lifetime trying to repair a relationship by ourselves? Probably not. 

The healthiest things to do in ALL relationships: 

• Explore your triggers and areas of growth

• Understand your needs and communicate them

• Listen to the other person’s needs and honor them

• Understand where both meet and where both can’t

• Learn when to hold on and when to let go

One of the hardest, but healthiest things, to accept is that not all relationships can be repaired.

Yolanda is a Trauma Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor in Arizona. She is trained in EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, and DBT. Aside from her work in mental health, she is an Adjunct Faculty Psychology Professor at Northern Arizona University and utilizes social media platforms to bring awareness of generational cycles that perpetuate trauma. In her free time, she enjoys reading, writing, and spending time with her family.


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