You're So Defensive: The Importance Of Listening To And Validating Our Survival Responses

By Tawny George

Shared With Permission

I was often called “defensive” by certain guys I’d dated. This was my budding fight part beginning to show herself. Unwilling to put up with crap anymore, she would push back on what certain individuals would tell her. When she wouldn’t fit into the box or act in the small or nice way they expected, I was labeled, as many of us are. We told we’re “emotional” or “too much,” we’re “defensive,” meaning we don’t blindly accept what another thinks about us or how we should behave. 

How many times were women labeled in high control religious environments? Told we needed to be MORE submissive, MORE teachable, MORE humble. LESS inciteful, less opinionated, less directive, less argumentative? (I’m certain men were shoved into boxes too, they just looked a bit different.)

Many of us listened for a long time. We quieted the parts of us who rose in opposition. We put them in cages, told them we were happy, peaceful, obedient, doing the right and good thing. Until something woke us up. 

And all of a sudden, those little fight parts started making themselves known. They were tired of being locked up. They’d started to believe that things as they were might not be quite right. They started to doubt what they’d been taught about being quiet. They began to stand up for themselves. 

And yes, at first this can look “defensive,” because it is. And sometimes it’s merited. Sometimes our SELVES need to be defended. Sometimes our rights need to be validated and stuck up for because they’ve been ignored, pushed down. 

And sometimes when these fight parts finally make their way out of their cages, they can be loud. Angry. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “mean.” It can simply mean you’re tired. Of putting up with the shit. People often call this the “bitch” phase when it’s actually just someone advocating for themselves and having appropriate boundaries.

So let those parts feel what they need to. Don’t shame them. They have a reason for reacting like they do. And if they’re validated , if they’re allowed to experience and move through their feelings, eventually they will settle back into their balanced places. Maybe a little less overreactive, but still on guard, I’m order to prevent what had happened to us from happening again. Can we blame them? 

No. We can thank them. Take care of them. And ourselves.

Tawny George is a therapist who writes under the screen name, “boundless and free.” She is most interested in the intersections of mental health, embodiment, and religious trauma.

Want to hear more from Tawny? Be sure to sign up today to hear her session at this year’s Beyond The Wound summit.